JOHN MARTIN

Hey, have you seen any icy-cool, super-intelligent women with big, pointy ears around? I only ask this because I have been surfing the Internet for Valentine’s Day sites. One, dubbed the Love Calculator, told me that my relationship with my wife Katherine has only a 13 per cent chance of success. Another site told me… Continue reading Mr 13 per cent longs for love

Thank you for your e-mail offering me bigger, firmer, natural-looking breasts. (This is a return letter to Quick Perfection) I have three questions: Do the breasts come with a woman on the other end or do I have to have them myself? If they do come accompanied, and I am not completely satisfied with your “amazing” product… Continue reading Falling into a booby trap

As a person who has actually been stranded on a desert island, I think I am qualified to write about this. Have you ever been asked to name a book you could take with you if you knew you were going to be stranded on a desert island? Granted, this makes a lot more sense… Continue reading How to make a radio transmitter out of coconuts

 I had to tell my friend Orville today to go get a haircut, so I could test my fish theory. “But I don’t need a haircut,” he protested. Sheesh, he sounded a lot like I did when I was a teenager and my father used to say: “Why don’t you go and get a haircut,… Continue reading There’s gold in them thar fish

One of the first hints that I was never going to be a high-achiever came when I was three-and-a-half years old and stuffed a bead up my nose. Oh, I could pretend it was actually my first scientific experiment — trying to measure the velocity of a bead under its own momentum in the alien environment… Continue reading Message from an angel