JOHN MARTIN'S TALES

Writers are often told to “draw on their life experience,” which is excellent advice if you spent your formative years roaming the globe, living on a schooner or training llamas in Peru.

I, on the other hand, spent 38 years in journalism. During that time I worked variously as a sports reporter, news reporter, feature writer, chess columnist, humour columnist, tidbits columnist, sub-editor, layout sub, chief-of-staff, and occasional news editor. I worked in Tasmania, Canberra, New South Wales, Queensland and Papua New Guinea.

But in all that time I was never an astronaut. Nor a firefighter. Nor even a seven-fingered butcher.

So, like any sensible fiction writer, I’ve decided to create a résumé that properly reflects my true life experience — the one that should have been.

For starters, I spent three years as the Senior Underwater Breadcrumb Enumerator for the Norwegian Fisheries Department. My job was to follow schools of cod and count how many crumbs fell from trawler lunches. It was important work. Ground-breaking, even. Some say I saved the North Sea from carb overload.

After that, I became the official Yodel Echo Tester of the Swiss Alps. Someone had to measure the return bounce of every yodel emitted by tourists, and I was the bloke for the job. I still suffer flashbacks whenever I hear anyone attempt a high C.

During the summers, I moonlighted as a volcano-side Gelato Integrity Inspector in Sicily. My duty was to ensure that no gelato melted prematurely during eruptions. Stressful conditions, stunning views, excellent snacks.

I briefly joined a travelling circus as Assistant Hypnotist to the World’s Sleepiest Chicken. She never woke up during the act, which made my job remarkably easy and yet somehow emotionally taxing.

Then came my stint in Peru, where I trained llamas to detect counterfeit postage stamps. Many doubted the practicality of this program. Many were wrong.

I also worked as:

• Tasmania’s first licensed Cloud Wrangler
• A part-time Mars Rover Driving Instructor (remote, obviously)
• Chief Etiquette Advisor to a gang of mildly polite pirates
• Deputy Rodent Motivator at a cheese-rolling festival
• And, for one unforgettable afternoon, Acting Prime Minister of a tiny micronation that accidentally elected me during a raffle.

So yes, writing teachers tell us to draw on our life experience. And I do. Every day. All of it. Especially the bits that never happened.