JOHN MARTIN'S TALES

Chocolate and toothpaste have always struck me as sworn enemies.

They live on opposite sides of the sensory fence.

One is rich, indulgent and unapologetically sweet. The other is clinical, minty and exists purely to undo the damage caused by the first.

You don’t invite them to the same party. You certainly don’t expect them to get along.

And yet, somewhere along the line, they’ve formed an alliance.

Chocolate filled with peppermint.

That curious green-tinged compromise that tastes like dessert and dental hygiene have called a truce. Or crossed a line. The picket line? The toothpick line, perhaps?

If we’re going down this path, why stop there? Why not cut out the middleman altogether and dip our toothbrushes straight into simmering pots of chocolate fondue? Brush, rinse, dessert — job done. Efficient, if nothing else.

Either way — yuk. Just yuk.

It makes you wonder how these things get approved. Was there a meeting? A tasting panel? Did someone stand up and say, “You know what chocolate needs? A hint of toothpaste”?

And more importantly, why wasn’t that person gently escorted out of the room?

Of course, not all food pairings are crimes against common sense. Over thousands of years, our foodie forebears have come up with some genuinely brilliant combinations. The kind that make you wonder how anyone ever thought to put them together in the first place.

Take bacon and eggs.

Many people like to imagine Sir Isaac Newton sitting under an apple tree when he had his famous moment of inspiration about gravity. The apple falls, he thinks deeply, and science changes forever.

But I have a different theory.

Picture him under that same tree, minding his own business, enjoying a perfectly respectable bacon sandwich. Above him, a bird shifts in its nest. An egg slips, falls, and — splatter — lands squarely on his head.

There’s a pause. A moment of reflection. And then, brilliance.

Bacon. And eggs.

You can almost hear the gears turning. Forget gravity — this is the real discovery.

And it’s not alone. Someone, somewhere, decided that chips would go well with fish. Visionary thinking.

Then there’s salt and caramel. Now that is genius. Sweet meeting savoury in perfect harmony. The kind of pairing that makes you nod slowly and think, yes, humanity may just have a future after all.

That’s properly yummy chocolate.

Which brings us back to mint chocolate.

Because for every inspired combination, there seems to be one that raises serious questions about our collective judgement. Mint and chocolate isn’t just unexpected, it feels like a betrayal. A dessert that can’t decide whether it wants to delight your tastebuds or clean your teeth.

And perhaps that’s the real issue. Some things are better left in their own lanes. Chocolate can be chocolate. Toothpaste can be toothpaste. They don’t need to mingle.

Because once you open that door, where does it end?

Hot cross buns have already had their moment.

Hot floss buns can’t be far behind.