JOHN MARTIN'S TALES

Does anyone know what the going price is for wisdom teeth?

I am only asking because my dentist says she’ll keep an eye on one of mine but eventually she’ll probably have to remove it.

I happen to be on first-name terms with the Tooth Fairy, a relationship forged 25 years ago when my son was growing up.

Back then, she was reliable, prompt and strictly cash-based. No electronic transfers or share issues instead of actual money.

There was, however, one awkward morning when she didn’t show. My son came padding in, tooth still under the pillow, looking like he’d just uncovered a major financial scandal.

I had to improvise quickly, explaining that the Fairy had been delayed by “heavy demand in the local area” and would attend that night. She did, of course — working overtime and paying a slightly inflated rate to restore confidence in the system.

My own first trip to the dentist was when I was seven. I only remember it because the dentist gave me a lolly for being a good boy — something that never caught on. I don’t know why.

I’ve never met a single person who enjoys going to the dentist. Not one. Yet I’m convinced there’d be a much bigger queue if chocolates and caramel fudge were offered as incentives to stop them from crying.

But back to my wisdom tooth.

All that wisdom it has quietly accumulated over the years surely has to count for something.

It can’t be valued the same as a kid’s wobbly milk tooth you had to yank out with a piece of string and a door. This is premium stock. A vintage item. A long-term investment.

A nest egg in the mouth.

Which is why I’m slightly concerned when the dentist says, “We’ll just take it out.” Just. Like it’s a loose button.

I can’t help picturing her tying it to a doorknob and giving it a good, confident slam. Doesn’t hurt a bit, apparently.

Easy for her to say.