JOHN MARTIN'S TALES

Here’s another old column from Son, give me back my trousers. In my defence, I’m busy writing my next novel.

I KNEW MY old neckties would come in handy one day.

My eight-year-old son came home from his school holiday program last week and asked me if I had one or two to spare. Apparently, his class were using them to stuff and make snakes with little button eyes.

“Sorry, Jack,” I told him. “Mummy made me throw them out years ago.”

Um, I do still have two ties in my wardrobe but I reserve them for weddings, funerals and the times I cannot find a belt and have to improvise to keep my trousers up. I have no intention of giving those away.

Besides, I hate snakes. Even pretend ones.

I do not think I could sleep at night if I suspected my favourite old wide, wide yellow tie, the one adorned with coconut trees and dancing girls and gravy dribble from 1976, had become something slithery with little button eyes.

I do not think reptile-fearing adults should be encouraging kids to scare us with snakes that have clearly gone out of fashion.

I hold no grudges against Katherine for insisting that I downsize my tie collection.

In her mind, I think, she was merely encouraging me to refine my wardrobe, and not just of ties either.

Relics of my bachelorhood were lost forever.

Out to the local op shop went my orthopaedic disco boots other people know as thongs or flip-flops; out went my colourful array of T-shirts with offensive slogans; out went 124 decorative stubby holders; and out went 63 perfectly good ties that spanned three decades of fashion and several vintages of red wine stains.

There were red ones (um, lots of those, in fact), blue ones, purple ones, green ones, yellow ones; ties with stripes, ties with circles and ties with triangles; wide ones, skinny ones; there was even a nice brown and white one with a nice scroll on it that, when read at the right sideways angle, said “Bullshit.”

Despite holding no grudges, I do have regrets. I realise now that I went on a losing tack when I cried: “Please don’t make me throw out my ties, Katherine. I am sure they will all come back into fashion.”

I should have cried: “What if Jack wants to make a yellow snake with button eyes in seven years’ time but I have no old ties left to donate?”

Yep, if I had my time again that’s what my defence would be.

Let that be a lesson to all you younger, recently married men.

Hold on to your ties for recycling by your child.

They might never come back into fashion but are all potential beasties with button eyes. Who knows, maybe an enterprising teacher will learn how to make something cuddly, like a cat, or practical, like a door sausage, from them?