JOHN MARTIN'S TALES

This is a true story. It popped up in my social media feed as a memory from 2019.

The chap behind the reception desk at Canberra Hospital pathology wasn’t Basil Fawlty, but I did wonder for a while.

Him: “Have you been fasting?”

Me: “Yes.”

Him: “Why? There’s nothing on this form that says you have to fast.”

Me: “I always fast. I’m here for my annual blood test. Cholesterol. Iron levels. Potassium levels. My cardiologist wants to know I still have all my working parts.”

Him, studying the form my GP had handed me: “Cholesterol? There’s nothing here about that. Where are your stool samples?”

Me: “What? The doctor didn’t say anything about stool samples.”

Him: “You’re supposed to have two stool samples, sir.”

It was at this point he called over a colleague who looked quickly at the form and deduced it was all in order and my kind offer to produce two stool samples while I was standing at the head of the queue really wouldn’t be necessary.

I shouldn’t be surprised. This is the same hospital that gave me my golden staph infection when I broke my leg. Five operations later, lots of intravenous and oral drugs later, weeks and weeks in hospital later, I was pretty well acquainted with incompetency and inefficiencies. First time I’ve been asked inadvertently for stool samples though.