JOHN MARTIN

‘NOW TELL me,’ said the psychiatrist after settling his patient down on the couch, ‘How long have you thought you were really Santa Claus?’ ‘Santa Claus? My name is George!’ The man lifted his head and scowled. ‘What makes you think I think I am Santa Claus?’ ‘Er, w-w-well. I don’t get a lot of… Continue reading Santa Claus contemplates his navel

This piece of funny flash fiction was inspired by an online spat I had with an American who insisted I was wrong when I said the moon landing happened for me on July 21, 1969. I fully accept the date for him was July 20 but I’m not sure he understood how time zones work.… Continue reading One small step for man, one giant leap backwards for photo processing

When I telephoned a local electrician’s home yesterday, a small child answered. I was taken aback. I needed an electrician to check out the wiring on some light fittings, and I had got that number from the telephone directory — E for Electricians. I was not expecting someone so young to answer. “Um … hello… Continue reading Strife of the sparkie

If scientists discover a fear-of-flying gene one day, does that mean that people like me will not be able to get travel insurance? My friend Orville says it is relatively safe to board a chunk of fuselage heavier than my house, defy gravity by taking off, go hurtling across the sky until it is time… Continue reading Message in a bottle from a washed-up nervous flyer

I think there are a couple of valid reasons I never became an Olympic swimmer. This makes me a bit unAustralian. Having access to water is almost a birthright here. Water is almost as Aussie as sharks, crocodiles and melanomas. Having access to beer near that water tends to bring out the dickheadishness in adults. And… Continue reading God carries a big stick