JOHN MARTIN

Is it just me? I’ve started playing mindfulness recordings that promise to ease me into sleep. But sometimes they have the reverse effect because it’s very hard to sink into sleep when you’re roaring with laughter. EXHIBIT ONE: The soothing voice tells me to blow air into my legs, then let them float off into… Continue reading Mindfulness over matter

I have a phobia when it comes to odd spoons or forks that mysteriously appear in our cutlery drawer. I fear they might have been licked by a pig. Is there a name for this phobia? ‘Spoonerism’ has been taken so I’ll just call it ‘what the fork?’ in the interim. I know this type… Continue reading The pig ran away with the spoon

In case you plan to send me advice about car air-fresheners, no need.I reckon I now know more about car air-fresheners than anyone who no longer drives a car needs to know.I gave up driving more than five years ago for health reasons and I’ve never felt the need to rejoin the growing rat race on wheels.When… Continue reading Failing the smell test

Never say never. I made that mistake when I was five and first laid eyes on a metronome on top of Sister Bernadette’s piano in my first year at school. It was a wooden pyramid-shaped box – but I doubt I knew the pyramids existed back then, so I didn’t waste time wondering in music class if my mummy… Continue reading Just beat it

A couple of years ago I made fun of an in-law who got himself locked in the toilet. I forgot all about karma! Last week the same thing happened to me. But worse. The builders renovating our house had to rip out both our bathrooms, which meant we had to find alternative accommodation. We still spent… Continue reading Unfunny dunny