JOHN MARTIN

I have a phobia when it comes to odd spoons or forks that mysteriously appear in our cutlery drawer. I fear they might have been licked by a pig. Is there a name for this phobia? ‘Spoonerism’ has been taken so I’ll just call it ‘what the fork?’ in the interim. I know this type… Continue reading The pig ran away with the spoon

In case you plan to send me advice about car air-fresheners, no need.I reckon I now know more about car air-fresheners than anyone who no longer drives a car needs to know.I gave up driving more than five years ago for health reasons and I’ve never felt the need to rejoin the growing rat race on wheels.When… Continue reading Failing the smell test

Never say never. I made that mistake when I was five and first laid eyes on a metronome on top of Sister Bernadette’s piano in my first year at school. It was a wooden pyramid-shaped box – but I doubt I knew the pyramids existed back then, so I didn’t waste time wondering in music class if my mummy… Continue reading Just beat it

A couple of years ago I made fun of an in-law who got himself locked in the toilet. I forgot all about karma! Last week the same thing happened to me. But worse. The builders renovating our house had to rip out both our bathrooms, which meant we had to find alternative accommodation. We still spent… Continue reading Unfunny dunny

Does anyone here want a used Christmas tree? Going cheap! OK, free. I just have to work out a way to get rid of it. I remember a time when I used to recycle Christmas trees. In my bachelor days, I always gave myself permission to get an artificial tree. People who don’t remember the… Continue reading Have yourself a merry little TV aerial