Hey, have you seen any icy-cool, super-intelligent women with big, pointy ears around?
I only ask this because I have been surfing the Internet for Valentine’s Day sites.
One, dubbed the Love Calculator, told me that my relationship with my wife Katherine has only a 13 per cent chance of success.
Another site told me how to say I Love You in more than 50 languages and dialects, including Klingon and Vulcan.
Well, I cannot speak for Captain Kirk, of the USS Enterprise, who was on a inter-gallactical quest to boldly go where no man has been before, but I do not find Klingon women all that attractive.
I have committed the Vulcan I Love You to memory, however, because, well, you never know when you might need to say Wani ra ya ro aisha (though the spell checker on my computer seems to insist that I would never need it).
Katherine and I married in 1995. I was quite devastated to learn that my years of marital bliss have been more blissful than I probably have a right to.
I have no reason to doubt the scientific veracity of the Love Calculator, however.
Since going online in November 1996, more than 850,000 people have apparently visited the site. The only information you are required to give is your own name and that of your Valentine. Hit the button and, bingo, someone called Dr Love will give you a rating and a quick summary of where your relationship is headed (or not).
I suppose I should be happy to be Mr 13 per cent. It’s a higher score than I used to get at school sometimes.
“Dr Love thinks a relationship might work out between you, but the chance is very small,” the summary said. “… the chance of this relationship working is very slight, so even when you do work on it, it still might not work out.”
On the positive side, I did have more success with a match with a dog named Spot. Okay, I was desperate for love but we did have a 63 per cent compatibility rating.
“Dr Love thinks that a relationship between Spot and John Martin has a reasonable chance of working out,” the summary said. “…spend time together, talk with each other.”
If I had a tail, it would be wagging by now.
But actually I have a real dilemma.
It is obvious that my marriage is on the rocks, I know how to say I Love You in Vulcan but the only Vulcan I know is Mr Spock and he’s not my type, and I don’t even have a dog named Spot (I conjured him up from my memory and childhood books)
I am facing a very grim Valentine’s Day indeed.
Fortunately, I am not alone.
Apart from the proliferation of Valentine’s Day sites on the Internet, chock full of horoscopes, gift ideas, cards, Love Calculators, singles adverts and romantic stories, there are a number of anti-Valentine’s Day sites.
Who needs flowers? (they only dry up and die), and who needs chocolates (you might as well stick the fat straight on to your hips, declared one female anti-Valentiner).
All we need is love.
First published in The Advocate, Burnie
©February 14, 1998 John Martin. All Rights Reserved