Category: Uncategorized
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Whatever you do, don’t mention the stool samples
This is a true story. It popped up in my social media feed as a memory from 2019. The chap behind the reception desk at Canberra Hospital pathology wasn’t Basil Fawlty, but I did wonder for a while. Him: “Have you been fasting?” Me: “Yes.” Him: “Why? There’s nothing on this form that says you…
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Why I never bought my wife a cow
I wrote this column years ago but it’s been edited for this blog post. Never let it be said that I am a culinary Philistine. I very nearly bought my wife Katherine a cow for Christmas. I didn’t, of course. But only because I couldn’t work out how to gift-wrap it. Has anyone ever actually…
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My sceptical carpet ride
Here’s another old column from my book, Son, give me back my trousers I have nothing against professional carpet cleaners. Anyone who can look at a red stain on a carpet and identify it immediately as Grange Hermitage 1963, made from grapes grown on the eastern side of the hill, has my utmost respect. Unless,…
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Starring in my own P-grade movie
I am spreadeagled on an adjustable chair with tubes up two of my orifices (hint: neither my mouth, nor my ears, nor my nostrils — which is comforting because it probably means my urologist knows what he’s doing.) I am here for a bladder pressure test and the date is mid-to-late 2025. My brain plays…
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Erasing my career, one newsroom at a time
I’ve started to wonder if someone is quietly erasing my working life.It began with my first workplace, The Examiner in Launceston.For more than 160 years, it sat in the same building in Paterson Street — a place so tied to the paper it might as well have been part of the masthead. Then it moved. Just…
JOHN MARTIN'S TALES 